Sunday, September 21, 2008
Here I am again. These are my words and I still hope at some point they will just come out and -BRILLIANCE! The world will be changed and I will. . . I don't know buy a mansion when Oprah pushes my currently unwritten book. I always wonder what it will take for me to find my direction. Who knows. All I know right now is that I am where I am. Sort of. Maybe. Kind of. Well, I guess I don't know that either. I'm looking for a home, my home, or at least a place where I belong. For now I have a place where I'm welcome and that is enough for now. I will make a place some day. A place for myself where I can just be. My confidence has been a shallow well for so long but I can feel the rain coming on. I will be an unstoppable force. I think.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I've been feeling very out of sorts lately. My life is obviously chaotic but thanks to a few minor miracles I have some surer footing. But something just feels wrong. I can't put my finger on it but....just wrongness....everywhere. When I wake up...wrong...when I lay down....wrong...when I go to work...wrong...I don't know. It's really annoying. I'm distracted by it. There are big holes in my world right now and I'm trying frantically to patch them like a leaky boat. I feel like someone has turned the hourglass on me and now time is running out. Oh well. Until it does, I'll just keep on eating, sleeping, fighting for no apparent reason, other than there's nothing better to do. I wish I could have a do over. All around. My whole life, a do over, that's what I need. I have lots of broken pieces and not enough glue to put me back together. If I started from scratch maybe I could salvage something out of the mess that is me. Somehow I doubt it. I'm just so tired. Not as hopeless but sleepy and in need of a good snuggle. Cuddle party, that's what I need. I'm just too little to do all of this. Too little. Little piglet. Gonna get turned into bacon. But I guess I will do it, all of it. Because life isn't supposed to be easy and this is my story. I get to choose what characters stay and what one's get written out. So once upon a time...yes this is a fairy tale, because I say so.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Last night I think I finally broke. Something happened anyway. I tried to go to my Algebra class and dissolved into tears. After that I ran a few errands afraid to go home and be alone. Finally I ended up there and tried to take a nap. That also incited tears. I decided to go outside and take some pastels and some sketching paper and draw a few things. I ended up with a couple of mediocre pictures then curled myself into a tiny ball on a camping chair and dozed. The wind was getting cool, it was almost nine o clock but I had found some sort of peace in my body. I was wearing a t-shirt and corduroy pants, (yes in July) but still felt cold. I relaxed little increments at a time and let my mind drift as the breeze teased along the bare skin of my lower back. I've been spending a lot of time thinking and more time than I care to admit on my face in supplication. I've asked over and over for some understanding as to why everything has to happen at once. Last night I picked up my Bible, with which I have had a tenuous relationship for most of my life and found a few things that comforted me. (Some of those Psalms are vicious!) I thought about the reasons why I've never felt content in a church, about how I feel that Christians are the biggest problem with Christianity, and that there are so many outdated things that cripple people in their faith. These are my opinions so by all means leave now if you're offended. In every church I have ever been to I have been hurt. A man at my first church chased me around in the basement intent on doing God knows what to me. I hadn't thought about that in awhile but it was actually pretty scary. I'm lucky I had friends with me. The people in the churches I've been to here in Springfield have been harmful in different ways. My family has had money stolen from them (over five thousand dollars), I have been used and then told that I wasn't wanted anymore ( my belief is because I was super quiet and shy in some ways and people thought that I was unapproachable), I have been told that any personal problems I've had have been because of my relationship with God. We've been pretty much ruined financially because of a family....well that's a loooonnngggg story. The things just stack up and up and I can't believe how awful we are to one another. We hurt each other and then sit back in our faith like it's this big easy chair. I thought at one time that faith should be used as a guideline, I know now that isn't completely what I mean. I feel that faith shouldn't be a list of things you should and should not do. Faith in whatever religion, if you're wholly into it, should be like breathing. You don't do those things you should do because you should do them you do them because you want to. If you can't be good to people, well, religion is kind of a people business. I just feel that God had become like, “GOD”, cold, unapproachable, someone who reprimands and admonishes, when a relationship with God should be far more intimate. They say that the Devil is in the details but for me God is. God was in that evening that I lay outside to take a nap. Or in the brilliance of a summer flower. Or occasionally when the sun pops through on an overcast day I think that's God. God is so encompassing and we only allow him into little bits and pieces of our lives because we think that's where he belongs. Maybe he should stay in church with the faithful who come every Sunday. Maybe he shouldn't give someone like me a chance because I've decided that to have faith in people is foolish. I've decided that I don't want someone else to keep me accountable when they have the same flaws and weaknesses I do. People are non stop judging one another. All people. They are constantly keeping a tally of the pros and cons deciding what it is about you that makes the grade. Sometimes it's subconscious most of the time isn't. Like I said, I have been broken recently, thoroughly and completely. I read those Psalms and there are so many people who cry out to God, in so much pain. They feel that he isn't there or isn't answering them. I've been there for awhile. I call it the pit of despair. I'm becoming way too familiar with it. (It has two Startbucks'.) I can't tell you the amount of pain that has bubbled up in the past few weeks. Things that I've never had the chance to deal with are now falling down around my ears with all of the other debris that is my life. Right now I have this chance to become something I never thought I would ever be. I don't really know what the end product is but I have a vague idea and I'm excited. There is so much life to be lived. I'm just on a journey to be whole in myself. I am by no means an ideal Christian and actually I don't want to be. This is my brand of faith and it's keeping me from killing myself, which at this point is a miracle. My brain is ready to implode but I keep finding pieces of myself every day. Strengths and weaknesses I didn't realize that I had before. I can feel God now at least. Can't hear him yet but if someone's not talking to you everyone knows that you just have to keep talking eventually they'll give in.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I've been wondering all day what to write because frankly I'm really just writing to get things out of my head. There's so much negativity in my life right now. Mounds of it. So much so that I can't think straight. It's hard for me to reach out to people and lately it seems like when I do I just get a slap in the mouth. Well I've definitely learned some lessons. Anyhow, I don't want to talk about that stuff I just want to throw out some fluff. Some things about me. Meghan-isms if you will. First my flaws. I know I know no negativity and already the bitch is going for the jugular. Don't worry we'll get to the good stuff, I promise. My flaws. I am obsessive about how clean my house is. (Unless I'm stressed then it can go to hell.) This also includes my impulsive straightening of anything near me. Trust me it's annoying. I have severely low self esteem. I curse like a sailor. I work with a bunch of men so I'm around it all day. I could stop though, if I wanted to. I have a love hate relationship with junk food. I love it and it hates me. I punch inanimate objects when I can't deal with my shit. Sometimes when I go to parties about halfway through I'm ready to be at home in my jammies so I'll sneak out. I'm a lot more fragile than I want to be. I have an excess of emotional baggage. So now I'll just throw some things out there that are just things. I brush floss rinse and wash my face every night. I always lay down on my right side but before I can fall asleep have to turn onto my left. I enjoy the arts but often have a hard time dealing with the people. I love to sing! Sometimes I sing while I'm cooking. I'm terrified of large birds. Don't laugh they bite! If I could only ever eat one fruit in my life it would have to be strawberries. Sweet tea is awesome, unsweetened is gross. I will totally fight anyone who says otherwise. I guess finally I'm a mess. A big sloppy mess. So if you don't mind that, let's be friends.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Today was a strange day for me. So many things have changed lately that I feel like my head is spinning. I don't especially feel like the world likes me right now but I'm still here, which after the day I had last Thursday is quite a miracle. I don't know where I will end up. Actually I don't have any answers right now, just a lot of useless questions. I've made it through the last two days without losing a limb or getting hit by a train. (I did have a gruesome fantasy today though......Boom.....squish....) I still don't find myself understanding anything but my hope is that I will either stop looking or it will fall into my lap. Thinking about moving far far away. I don't think that's the worst thing I could do right now, maybe not the best but....Considering I'm actually not completely allowed to be alone right now it will take some time to get there. But I'm dreaming of far off places, imagining that I'm someone else, and just trying to drag myself out of a really dark hole. I know that there's hope. I just can't seem to remember where I put it. Oh well. I'll just keep going. Because the other option is boring.
Monday, July 14, 2008
So this is my first entry. My life is all sorts of crazy right this moment so I thought "What better than to provide entertainment fodder for the bored". Maybe you're thinking, "How arrogant." But you are here for a reason are you not? So let's jump right in. I've been struggling with some major existential and moral issues lately. Philosophical plights that really shouldn't take up the average 24 year old female's time. (Am I average? Ooh let's add that to the list of plights. Feel me brood!) One question plaguing me is, what makes an action wrong? Is it the consequences of the action? If so does it only make something wrong when the consequences are negative? Is there some internal moral compass that really does tell you when something is right or wrong? For some maybe. I find for myself with more gray issues that I struggle. I'm certainly not the type to say if it makes you feel good do it. There are many things that make you feel good that you should not do (mostly because of negative outcomes). But how does one decide when said action is wrong? For some they take the spiritual route which is fine but I wonder about the human animal. If left to it's own devices, taken away social norms and what today's religion teaches us, how does the beast that we are decide in a gray scale society where it's loyalties lie. I think where we often go wrong is when we let things outside of ourselves decide what it is that we need and what it right for us. Just because a group of people decide something is wrong doesn't mean that it is so. ("I am stupid, and all I do is want and need things".) I don't know much about philosophy but I know a few things. I know a little about Kant's view on motivations and how they impact the worth of an action or deed. Basically if a motivation or maxim isn't true then a good deed is worthless. Man being a primarily selfish creature will more than likely always lean toward decisions that will benefit him or herself. I find that I get ridiculously anxious in situations that demand me to choose someone else over myself. I'm not saying that I'm a selfless person but I will choose the other person, more often than not and take short end of the stick myself. It's easier that way. I'm really good at hurting myself (and as it would seem according to current situations, allowing other people to hurt me). The thing that I'm experiencing right now is demanding my fair share out of life and having my world collapse in on me like a house of cards. The first time I finally decide to stand up and take what I want and not give in to the other person and I am being severely punished for it. Or at least that's how it seems. Have I done something wrong? The negativity that I am being drowned in right now dictates that is true. People can look at the situation I'm in and say there are others who are dealing with worse things. This, I know without a doubt is true. But this is my reality and I have to deal with it every day when I wake up. It is my heart that I have to try and put the pieces back together all by myself. I know now that I should be more careful who I trust. I know now that I should use more discretion when I give my heart away and not give it to someone who doesn't treasure it. I know now that I do not ever want to be treated again like a situation to be dealt with instead of a person. I guess these are some positives, very hard learned, for sure. I don't ever want to feel like this again. Those of you who know me, know what I'm talking about. Those of you who don't, maybe I'll tell you someday.